http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wPBbMbKSZrQ&ob=av2e
Here's a link to Kings Of Leon - Radioactive
Listen on one tab and read on another. Multitask for a brief moment. Good luck. I believe in you.
I started writing this blog because I moved away. Last Saturday, while driving through Hillsdale for the first time in three months I started to get emotional about our macaroni and cheese colored movie theater, our "highway" dotted with fast food restaurants, Walmart, the penguin jumping over an igloo Christmas light on the court house lawn... We have nice things here. Seriously, we have a beautiful Christmas set up which starts at one end of the town and continues to the other. Also, I made a list of about thirteen places I needed to eat before I left. Turns out, I care about this town.
IN ADDITION to the restaurants, my family lives here (angels are singing)!!!
My favorite part about being home is the total lack of decisions I have made while here. No cooking, buying of groceries, showering, going to work (yes, I count this as a decision some mornings), locking doors, locking car doors, wearing heels or flats, choosing a route to work based on time and highway traffic tendencies...
I think the biggest decision I made was about the pattern in a scarf I'm knitting... I guess I had to choose the yearn too.
Adulthood is essentially defined (according to me) as the phase in life during which your actions and reactions start to bear significant weight. I suppose I've been in this phase for a while, but I used to really suck at it. Moment of silence for the days of old... AND NOW take a moment to consider how much better you are at making decisions. Let us now join hands across space and time. I shake you warmly by the hand. We are now winning.
Back to the music you are by now jamming to for the second time (or youtube a Beastie Boys song... LONG LIVE MIKE D). I went running on Monday with some ear muff/head phones my Momma bought me for Christmas. It was sunny, the altitude is low so I didn't feel like my lungs were bleeding, the roads were clear, and that song came on. There are a select few people in this world that smile from ear to ear while running. I was one of those people for a brief moment. I miss it here, but at the same time I was tickled with thoughts of how happy I am in Colorado. The nice thing about leaving is that I can come home and see all of my favorite people, during my favorite time of year, and my life in Colorado still exists. There is no expiration date. I am making a choice to go back there are be really, really happy! Being here reminds me of God's grace. It reminds me of my family, bad choices, better choices, possibilities, my friends, my past, the future, SENTIMENTAL THINGS TO SAY.
However, I truly do mean it.
The best thing a person can do is move away from home, miss it like crazy, and be really, really happy making tough life choices in the shadow of the Rocky Mountains.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Saturday, December 10, 2011
I don't like ghosts. I don't respond well to spooky behavior...
Opening remarks - For those of you who read and enjoy this blog: thank you. I try hard to verbalize some of the ping pong ball thoughts in my brain without throwing too much "ME. ME. ME" into it... but if you've ever met me, you know I can occasionally (more often than I'd like to admit) get a little "ME. ME. ME." That being said, this one may turn out to be seasoned with a little "ME." Actually, that's exactly what's about to happen.
I'm fully aware that I'm not old enough to wish certain chunks of my life had never happened. On the other hand there aren't really enough years under my belt to compensate for some of the things I wish were not so. I'm not talking about getting dumped, crying over a boy, tramping around (there's some honesty for you), or some of the other things my dearest friends witnessed over the last four years of my life...which amounts to 18% of the entire thing . I'm talking about the time I wasted, more specifically, the way in which I wasted it. More than anything else I'm ashamed of the number of times I ignored the brightly colored, highly illuminated, rather large, imposing, obvious life rafts thrown to me in the midst of the storm. Boo hoo... blah blah blah.
I think I've gathered in the last year or so that everyone gets kicked in the ass, dropped on their face, left in the dark drowning in a vast sea of self pity. Most of the people I know, even the ones you'd least expect, have done something they regret, said something they didn't mean, compromised their morals, lied and cheated, and even ignored Grace. I'm here to admit that I find comfort in their imperfections. Note: I am not saying I feel better about myself because they screwed up too, but it does help to ease the burden of guilt.
I once had a lengthy conversation with Momma about "Guilt vs. Shame". I completely forgot all about this conversation until last night when I was in the middle of piling the kindling for a BIG OL' GUILT bonfire in my (at the described moment) lonely living room. I called Mom and she reminded me about that conversation and a whole host of other divinely inspired things I have learned in an effort to get back to God.
SIDENOTE: Luna tells Harry that she believe Voldemort would like Harry to feel alone, "because if it's just you, you're not as much of a threat". Well I believe the Devil works much in the same way. Loneliness is like gasoline to his flame... I was preparing to use it for mine as well.
ANYWHO, this conversation basically centered on the idea that we are ALL going to fuck up. We will. You have. Don't try to get away from it. The thing that really gets Christians, I think, is that we are fully aware that our sorrow is rooted in our rebellion against God.
Here's a random, TOOOTALLY non-personal example: "Oh, that's your plan. Well I think it could be better if I snuck around behind every one's back with my ex-boyfriend and just kept lying and sinning. I just feel like that's a great plan annnnnnd I'm gonna go with that one. Thanks for the Biblical wisdom and your omnipotence. You've been great. I'll handle this one."
Whether you'd like to admit it or not, you've had a similar conversation yourself.
This knowledge, the TRUTH is the thing that starts to eat away at your soul. The Devil jumps in, sees this "self imposed separation and loathing", and says, "Hell yeah. Let's go to work!"
"God couldn't love you. You're guilty. You've said it yourself. You're not good for anyone."
GUILT.
Shame, however, is your best friend. If we didn't feel shame than we would continue to waltz around doing whatever we please. There wouldn't be room in your heart for Jesus or the Holy Spirit because you're "all good all the time". Or if not that, you'd be living in a small white room rocking back and forth totally hating yourself (guilt). SHAME. It's your friend.
The title comes from an SNL skit with Christopher Walkin. I myself don't respond well to ghosts of the past. I haven't quite figured out how to shoo those away. I'm human. Give me some time.
I'm fully aware that I'm not old enough to wish certain chunks of my life had never happened. On the other hand there aren't really enough years under my belt to compensate for some of the things I wish were not so. I'm not talking about getting dumped, crying over a boy, tramping around (there's some honesty for you), or some of the other things my dearest friends witnessed over the last four years of my life...which amounts to 18% of the entire thing . I'm talking about the time I wasted, more specifically, the way in which I wasted it. More than anything else I'm ashamed of the number of times I ignored the brightly colored, highly illuminated, rather large, imposing, obvious life rafts thrown to me in the midst of the storm. Boo hoo... blah blah blah.
I think I've gathered in the last year or so that everyone gets kicked in the ass, dropped on their face, left in the dark drowning in a vast sea of self pity. Most of the people I know, even the ones you'd least expect, have done something they regret, said something they didn't mean, compromised their morals, lied and cheated, and even ignored Grace. I'm here to admit that I find comfort in their imperfections. Note: I am not saying I feel better about myself because they screwed up too, but it does help to ease the burden of guilt.
I once had a lengthy conversation with Momma about "Guilt vs. Shame". I completely forgot all about this conversation until last night when I was in the middle of piling the kindling for a BIG OL' GUILT bonfire in my (at the described moment) lonely living room. I called Mom and she reminded me about that conversation and a whole host of other divinely inspired things I have learned in an effort to get back to God.
SIDENOTE: Luna tells Harry that she believe Voldemort would like Harry to feel alone, "because if it's just you, you're not as much of a threat". Well I believe the Devil works much in the same way. Loneliness is like gasoline to his flame... I was preparing to use it for mine as well.
ANYWHO, this conversation basically centered on the idea that we are ALL going to fuck up. We will. You have. Don't try to get away from it. The thing that really gets Christians, I think, is that we are fully aware that our sorrow is rooted in our rebellion against God.
Here's a random, TOOOTALLY non-personal example: "Oh, that's your plan. Well I think it could be better if I snuck around behind every one's back with my ex-boyfriend and just kept lying and sinning. I just feel like that's a great plan annnnnnd I'm gonna go with that one. Thanks for the Biblical wisdom and your omnipotence. You've been great. I'll handle this one."
Whether you'd like to admit it or not, you've had a similar conversation yourself.
This knowledge, the TRUTH is the thing that starts to eat away at your soul. The Devil jumps in, sees this "self imposed separation and loathing", and says, "Hell yeah. Let's go to work!"
"God couldn't love you. You're guilty. You've said it yourself. You're not good for anyone."
GUILT.
Shame, however, is your best friend. If we didn't feel shame than we would continue to waltz around doing whatever we please. There wouldn't be room in your heart for Jesus or the Holy Spirit because you're "all good all the time". Or if not that, you'd be living in a small white room rocking back and forth totally hating yourself (guilt). SHAME. It's your friend.
The title comes from an SNL skit with Christopher Walkin. I myself don't respond well to ghosts of the past. I haven't quite figured out how to shoo those away. I'm human. Give me some time.
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