Opening remarks - For those of you who read and enjoy this blog: thank you. I try hard to verbalize some of the ping pong ball thoughts in my brain without throwing too much "ME. ME. ME" into it... but if you've ever met me, you know I can occasionally (more often than I'd like to admit) get a little "ME. ME. ME." That being said, this one may turn out to be seasoned with a little "ME." Actually, that's exactly what's about to happen.
I'm fully aware that I'm not old enough to wish certain chunks of my life had never happened. On the other hand there aren't really enough years under my belt to compensate for some of the things I wish were not so. I'm not talking about getting dumped, crying over a boy, tramping around (there's some honesty for you), or some of the other things my dearest friends witnessed over the last four years of my life...which amounts to 18% of the entire thing . I'm talking about the time I wasted, more specifically, the way in which I wasted it. More than anything else I'm ashamed of the number of times I ignored the brightly colored, highly illuminated, rather large, imposing, obvious life rafts thrown to me in the midst of the storm. Boo hoo... blah blah blah.
I think I've gathered in the last year or so that everyone gets kicked in the ass, dropped on their face, left in the dark drowning in a vast sea of self pity. Most of the people I know, even the ones you'd least expect, have done something they regret, said something they didn't mean, compromised their morals, lied and cheated, and even ignored Grace. I'm here to admit that I find comfort in their imperfections. Note: I am not saying I feel better about myself because they screwed up too, but it does help to ease the burden of guilt.
I once had a lengthy conversation with Momma about "Guilt vs. Shame". I completely forgot all about this conversation until last night when I was in the middle of piling the kindling for a BIG OL' GUILT bonfire in my (at the described moment) lonely living room. I called Mom and she reminded me about that conversation and a whole host of other divinely inspired things I have learned in an effort to get back to God.
SIDENOTE: Luna tells Harry that she believe Voldemort would like Harry to feel alone, "because if it's just you, you're not as much of a threat". Well I believe the Devil works much in the same way. Loneliness is like gasoline to his flame... I was preparing to use it for mine as well.
ANYWHO, this conversation basically centered on the idea that we are ALL going to fuck up. We will. You have. Don't try to get away from it. The thing that really gets Christians, I think, is that we are fully aware that our sorrow is rooted in our rebellion against God.
Here's a random, TOOOTALLY non-personal example: "Oh, that's your plan. Well I think it could be better if I snuck around behind every one's back with my ex-boyfriend and just kept lying and sinning. I just feel like that's a great plan annnnnnd I'm gonna go with that one. Thanks for the Biblical wisdom and your omnipotence. You've been great. I'll handle this one."
Whether you'd like to admit it or not, you've had a similar conversation yourself.
This knowledge, the TRUTH is the thing that starts to eat away at your soul. The Devil jumps in, sees this "self imposed separation and loathing", and says, "Hell yeah. Let's go to work!"
"God couldn't love you. You're guilty. You've said it yourself. You're not good for anyone."
GUILT.
Shame, however, is your best friend. If we didn't feel shame than we would continue to waltz around doing whatever we please. There wouldn't be room in your heart for Jesus or the Holy Spirit because you're "all good all the time". Or if not that, you'd be living in a small white room rocking back and forth totally hating yourself (guilt). SHAME. It's your friend.
The title comes from an SNL skit with Christopher Walkin. I myself don't respond well to ghosts of the past. I haven't quite figured out how to shoo those away. I'm human. Give me some time.
Amen
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